Zzyzx Reptile Farm
Zzyzx Reptile Farm is a world leader in providing the highest quality reptiles for industrial, agricultural, and
military applications. Our reptiles are raised in the sweltering Mojave sun in Zzyzx, California just minutes
west of the greater Baker-Kelso metropolitan area. We believe that the continuous warm weather, thrice daily
irrigation practices, and low carb-high riboflavin feeding practices yield the fiercest, shiniest, and most
savoury reptiles on the open market today.
Our world class facility and highly trained staff are committed to producing cutting edge reptile and reptile
substitutes tailored for your custom application. In addition to our ISO 9001 certified reptile processing
facility Zzyzx Reptile Farm, is also home to the Raymond K. Hessel Reptile Research and Development Center of
Excellence chartered by the National Institute of Science and Technology in 1984. From our research arm we have
produced the plurality of the world's leading breakthroughs in reptile technology, most notably Reptotrol,
the world's fastest and safest heavy reptile tranquilizer.
Saurians
Zzyzx Reptile Farm put itself on the map by following one simple rule; Keep your diapsids well fed, regularly bred, and kept in direct sunlight 240+ days out the year. You'll find we have the largest variety of Komodo Dragons, Desert Caimans, Gila Monsters and occasionally the largest modern Desert Elasmosauridae known to man. Von Blodock and Jones selected Zzyzx for its proximity to the Mojave River and both the Soda and Silver Lake aquifers. During the winter months the highly trained saurian handling staff lead the larger Komodo Dragons and other mega-reptiles to the railhead in nearby Kelso to be sold on the open market.
Serpents
In the last three years after much interest from our customers we have branched into the exciting world of raising snakes. While tricky at first, after 18 months we were able to raise the first 56 ft. python in North America. We have also pioneered the art of augmenting petroleum distillates using venom we milk from the sly Eastern Coral Snake. Our patented formula is capable of lowering the sulfur content of sour crude oil to less than 0.3%. Our economists and market analysts predict that this disruptive technology is capable of bringing a 55 gallon drum of light sweet crude oil to less than $35. Ranging from vipers, cottonmouths, rattlesnakes and cobras, you can trust that Zzyzx raised serpents will fulfill the needs of even the highest calibre venom milkers, disc jockeys, and hitmen.
Terrapins
Our terrapins are raised to tolerate a wide range of climates. Mark Spitz is on our staff teaching these terrapins how to thrive both in and out of the water and how to minimize displacement upon entering the water. Our terrapins all come equipped with a MIL-STD-1553 interface and have been carefully engineered for low pressure, high vibration environments. Additionally, our experts have gone to great lengths to minimize EMI noise making our terrapins a drop in, reverse compatible replacement for widely used legacy equipment. While many of our various reptiles have been quite response to Reptotrol, the world's fastest and safest heavy reptile tranquillizer, we have purposely managed to raise a Reptotrol resistant line of African spurred tortoises for customers looking for a post-cold war compatible product.
Reptiles
Northwestern Dwarf Diplodocus
The 1999 discovery of the modern dwarf diplodocus in British Columbia has made these once thought extinct
leviathans a hot commodity among reptile speculators. The only known carniverous sauropod, the Northwester
Diplodocus feasts almost entirely on sasquatches.
Blue Iguana
The Blue Iguana first gained fame as Pliny the Elder's favorite exotic pet. Today the critically endangered
Blue Iguana is being rehabilitated in captivity in order to be released back into the wild on the Caiman
Islands.
Jackson's Chameleon
Somewhat reminiscent of the ceratopside dinosaur genus, Triceratops, the popular Jackson's Chameleon is a
trophy to most reptile collectors. We aren't really sure why though. These reptiles are milquetoast.
Belgian Pteranodon
The Belgian Pteranodon gained its name after its extensive deployment by senior British officer General Sir
Hubert de la Poer Gough during the battle of Paschendaele during the first world war.
New Guinea Frill Dragon
Often referred to as "my other fedora", the New Guinea Frill Dragon is an essential accessory for anyone trying to impress in Ocean City, New Jersey.
Isle of Man Elasmosaurus
Often mistaken as "Nessie" from Loch Ness, the Elasmosaurus is a quentisential asset in any reptile
collector's portfolio. The Elasmosaurus is prized by the U.S. Navy and they are willing to pay top dollar
for highly trained sub-hunting Elasmosaurae.
Komodo Dragon
We buy our Komodo Dragons directly from famed Komodo Dragon trapper, Archibald "Dumptruck" Halperin.
Dumptruck ensures that all his dragons come from the Indonesian Island of Flores in the Lesser Sunda
Islands.
Desert Tortoise
These rare tortoises are capable of living up to 100 years in the wild and can carry 40% of their body
weight as urea in the summer months. The urea, uric acid, and other nitrogenous wastes are especially
popular for fertilizing organic blueberry and strawberry farms throughout California's central valley.
Andre Jorts Indian Cobra
Named for famed South African mercenary Andre Jorts Sr. The venom from this species of cobra is well known
for its high neurotoxicity and was made notorious after the wave of assassinations carried out by Jorts in
the coastal city of Goa in the mid to late 1970s.
About Us
Guillermo Jones
Chief Executive Officer
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Zzyzx Reptiles was founded in 1999 by Duke University graduate Guillermo Jones. After successfully completing
a degree in political science, Jones met German chemist Magnus von Blodock at a Demand Response Aggregation
conference in Big Sky, Montana. Blodock had recently invented the world's fastest, safest, heavy reptile
tranquilizer, Reptotrol which had just been approved by the Department of Homeland Security and the ATF to
be used on caimans, komodo dragons, and pteranodon's in excess of 1200 pounds. Guillermo was inspired by his
new mentor and developed new methods for raising various industrial strength reptiles. His techniques centered
around arid climates and highly regular feeding, watering, and training sessions for each of his prize beasts.
From this work Zzyzx Reptiles was born! Currently Zzyzx Reptiles has over 25 different species and more than
1,500 grade A reptiles and reptile substitutes cycling through the farm each year.
Mangus von Blodock
CTO/Vice Chairman
Rothenburg, West Germany
Magnus von Blodock was born in Rothenburg, West Germany in 1948. Von Blodock stunned the world of
academic chemistry by balancing the little understood chemical equation though to have enabled the
digestive system of paleolithic North American ground sloths. By demonstrating unequivocally that the
digestive enzymes found in the third stomachs of those prehistoric megafauna were able to synthesize
and denature the oligosaccharides found in the Persea Doylea, or the Grand Floridian Avocado, Von
Blodock assured himself the world of massive quadruped veterinarianism for centuries to come.
In truth though, Von Blodock was not content with his studies at the University of Heidelberg. Electing
to take a sabbatical with his fiancee, Ursula von Mannstein, grand-daughter of the notorious 3rd Reich
field marshall, he travelled to Papua New Guinea in the summer of 1971. Embarking on a tramp manganese
hauler in Port Moresby, the now Dr. von Blodock witnessed an event that would forever change his life on
an atoll in the Bismark Sea. Recounting the incident years later to Souix Falls Public Radio KJRD's
Abraham Nordstrand, von Blodock had this to say, "The escaped giant iguanadons that were unfrozen from
the fluke low latitude iceberg were so violent and so powerful that Ursula and I could only hide and
watch as the local beaches were terrorized. I knew then and there that I had to develop a large reptile
sedative to prevent any tragedies like this from ever happening again." From this tragic event Von
Blodock drew his inspiration and the idea for reptotrol was born.
Herman "Hubcap" Meyer
Director of Security and Business Continuity
Apopka, Florida
Level 6 Saurian wrangler Herman "Hubcap" Meyer started his career at the Apopka Snake Ranch in Apopka,
Florida and enjoyed a brief moment of noteriety after playing himself in the Academy Award winning Christmas
file, "Ernest Saves Christmas". Herman was spotted by director John R. Cherry III outside a Carls' Jr. in
Las Cruces, New Mexico and after being completely astonished by Herman's uncanny resemblence to the late
acting legend, Jim Varney, Cherry III insisted Ole Hubcap make a cameo. Ole Hubcap picked up his name when
involved in a 1979 altercation outside a Durango, Colorado saloon. Witnesses describe his assailant drawing
a small caliber revolver and firing once into Herman's left knee cap. Physicians remain amazed how the .32
caliber bullet could have deflected off his patella, striking a nearby stop sign. As one bystander noted,
"It was like he had a hub-cap in his pants leg." Ole Hubcap brings 30+ years of experience to Zzyzx Reptiles
and boasts the highest number of saurians wrangled in under 10 minutes with a total of 41.
Bertram Fingerhut
Chief Operations Officer
Inverness, Florida
Bertram hails from Inverness, Florida where he grup up "wrastlin' gators" and making snake skin loafers
from gaime found in local swamps. After years of wrestling large saurians, Fingerhut transitioned his skills
into a wrestling scholarship at the Georgia Institute of Technology. He later had a brief career in the WWE
as part of the New World Order before blowing out his rotator cuff doing the People's Elbow. Fingerhut
successfully enrolled in Haas Business School where he focused his studies on reptile manufacturing. After
business school Fingerhut began working at Zzyzx Reptile Farms in the terrapin environments division and in
just a few short years made his way to Chief Operating Officer. Fingerhut lists canoeing, fixed gear bicycling,
and jazzercize among his favorite leisure time activities.
Facility
Our 31 square mile complex has been carefully engineered to efficiently and safely hosue the world's
widest selection of sport and utility reptiles. Carnivores, herbivores, and envrionmentalists alike
can coexist with our state of the art PVC reptile irrigation and feeding system. Every four hours our
strong automated reptile management system (StrongARMS) provides food, proper hydration, and reggae music
for the animals.
All of our reptiles are provided safe, secure, reptile sleeping quarters. When not feeding or listening to reggae,
our reptiles are put through a gambit of physical training. Movements such as galloping, crouching, and tail wrestling
are just a handful of exercises adapted from the Russian Spetsnaz master of sport training handbook. Reptotrol,
the world's fastest and safest large reptile tranquilizer, is another staple of our management practices.
Administered twice daily, our reptiles find themselves in a restful slumber while their bodies recuperate from such
ambitious training. Again and again we've proven that our reptile management philosophy can deliver award winning results
with no hesitation.
Our staff have been highly trained by Tim Ferriss, famed author of New York Times best seller The Four Hour Workweek.
We boast the most efficient reptile management team on the planet and proudly maintain that all of our employees are
Six Sigma Certified.
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